A Series of Twisted Events
by thelivingtunic
Summary: A parody. In which Klaus raps, Sunny bites, and Violet giggles. As for Count Olaf, well... you'll just have to read to find out!
1. The Bad Beginning

Disclaimer: I do not own this series. This was made for my personal entertainment, and I hope someone enjoys this nearly as much as I enjoyed writing this. I will be making each book a chapter.

* * *

The Baudelaire children, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were on the beach. Sunny was throwing rocks at Klaus, who was screaming like a little girl. Violet was thinking of... stuff that's not mentionable. A shadowy figure walked up the beach toward them, and Sunny threw rocks at the figure.

"Ow" the figure said, getting hit in the head, then coming closer, revealing itself to be Mr. Poe.

"Oops" the three children said.

" Children, I have unfortunate news. Your parents have run away to join the circus- I MEAN, they were killed in a fire" Mr. Poe said. The Baudelaire orphans stared at him.

" You will now be living with a relative of yours named Count Olaf. He lives across town" Mr. Poe said simply, then grabbed the children and stuffed them into his car. He drove them straight to Count Olaf's. It was a beautiful house.

Justice Strauss stepped out and waved.

" Is this where we're living?" Violet asked.

" Nah, Olaf lives next door" Justice Strauss said. "You can come over whenever you want to" she added. The Baudelaires and Mr. Poe turned to the next house, which was a huge mansion. The front door was made of gold. The group walked over to the door, and knocked.

A tall man wearing gold shades, silver bling, and a big-ass furry coat opened the door.

" Yo, its the orphan kids! Great!!" Olaf exclaimed, dragging them all indoors. As the children and Mr. Poe looked around from where they were dragged inside, several playboy bunnies ran down from upstairs, and straight past them out the door.

" Aw damn the bunnies got out!!.. ah well, easily replaced" Olaf said. Then he threw Mr. Poe out and showed the kids to their room.

" Yo, orphans, you three stay here, I'ma gonna go get my bunnies back" Olaf said, then left the room. Sunny looked at Violet, Violet looked at Klaus.

" I was walkin' down the street... mhm. Goin' down the street holdin'... Holdin' a gun" at this point, Klaus started to beatbox, "I saw some crypts and bloods... They started shootin' at each other so I used my gun.. mhm! C'mon! I shot my gun at the old lady, she feel. I kept runnin', mhm. Runnin'. Mhm. Runnin', away... Aw.. YEAH!! Showin' ma teeth, they had griillzz...Nobody else..." Klaus rapped horribly, and then Sunny bit him.

" Klaus, why do you have to always come up with a bad rap? God.." Violet said. There was a slam of a door. "Ooh, Olaf's back!" Violet giggled. Sunny looked at her oddly. The orphans went downstairs. Olaf was surrounded by his playboy bunnies, but when the bunnies saw the Baudelaires, they rushed upstairs. Olaf turned and walked away into the kitchen.

After a few weeks, the orphans were bored, so they called up Mr. Poe.

" What's the matter, children?" he asked when he got there.

" We're bored and want a new guardian. It's not appropriate here" Klaus said, normally.

" I love it here!" Violet argued.

" Leave!" Sunny shrieked.

" We're staying!" Violet shouted.

" No way!" Klaus shouted back.

After a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, LONG argument, it was decided that the orphans would leave Olaf's, and go to a new guardian: Dr. Montgomery Montgomery.

* * *

If anyone feels offended by Sunny, Klaus, Violet or Count Olaf, I apoligize. This is written for amusement, not to offend. Read and review!! Enjoy!


	2. The Reptile Room

Disclaimer: I don't own the book series, or the movie, or the characters, etc.  
Remember, all in fun! Enjoy!

* * *

When the Baudelaires arrived at Dr. Montgomery Montgomery's, as soon as the orphans got out of Mr. Poe's car, Sunny tripped over a stick, a crow pooped on Violet's head, and Klaus' pants fell down. Violet shouting a curse up at the crow, Klaus pulling up his pants, and Sunny righting herself after the fall, the three went up to the front door that was opened as soon as they got there. Stepping inside, Dr. Montgomery rushed up.

" Feel free to call me Uncle Monty!" he shouted at them.

" Why did yo' door open by itself?" Klaus asked.

" It's automatic, you dumb wangster" Uncle Monty said. Klaus looked at the floor in shame. " I'll show you to the reptile room" he added, and led the children to the reptile room.

The Baudelaires looked around the room in amazement, and then confusion as they saw a small cage, holding a shoe dipped in marmalade.

" Uncle Monty, that isn't a reptile" Violet said.

" Gack!" Sunny shrieked, meaning something along the lines of " Of course it is! Don't be stupid!". Violet frowned at Sunny for the insult.

" Sunny's right, foo'. Of course its a reptile" Klaus piped up. The orphans looked around, Violet finding things such as a tangerine, a pickle, a box, a jar of dirt, and a syringe with a blade all in cages, as if they were reptiles.

The Baudelaires went to pick out their rooms. Sunny bit things, then got bored and went off to bite Klaus. Klaus was thinking of a way to be a gangster, then was screaming as Sunny started biting him. Violet was thinking. As always. Once again, her thoughts were unmentionable.

Anyway, the next day the orphans all ran downstairs, Klaus' pants falling down again and he tripped, falling down the stairs. Once they were all at the breakfast table, Violet was giggling uncontrollably. With a smack in the head from Klaus, she shut up.

" Guess what? We're going to Peru for no real reason!" Uncle Monty exclaimed.

" What about researching snakes?" Sunny asked.

" ...Don't be dumb" Uncle Monty said. " I'm conviently getting a new assistant that may or may not harm me in some way as well" he added. Sunny rolled her eyes.

" Sweet" Violet said, daydreaming.

Later, there was a knock at the door, and Olaf was there. Violet, Klaus and Sunny answered the door.

" ..Olaf! What're you doing here?!" Violet exclaimed.

" My name is Stephano" Olaf said, even though he was wearing no disguise whatsoever. The Baudelaires stepped aside, as Uncle Monty came rushing. He began to babble something at Olaf, who wasn't even listening. Uncle Monty went back to the reptile room, Klaus and Sunny followed him, and Violet showed Olaf to his room.

At dinner was the next time Klaus, Sunny, or Uncle Monty saw either Violet or Olaf, I mean "Stephano". It was ignored, however.

About a week later, the Baudelaires woke up about 6 AM. They all wandered around, then went down to the reptile room.

" Uncle Monty?" the orphans called, and saw a most horrifying sight. Uncle Monty was dead. They hurried and called a doctor. The doctor came as fast as possible, and found out how Uncle Monty died.

" Well, it seems to me like one of Stephano's playboy bunnies got rabies, and bit Dr. Montgomery" the doctor stated.

" Yo, you tryin ta tell us he died of rabies?" Klaus asked. Then his pants fell down. As he pulled his pants back up, the doctor nodded. He took the body, and left, Klaus going off to call the useless Mr. Poe and tell him the bad news. Sunny crawled after Klaus, and Violet ran, as well, but to tell Olaf.

A couple of hours later, Olaf, the orphans, and Mr. Poe were sitting down discussing options.

" I'll take the orphans back, yo" Olaf offered.

" You have already been deemed unsuitable. They will go to Josephine Anwhistle" Mr. Poe declared, then stuffed the orphans back into his car, and drove off.

* * *

Ah, yes, off to Josephine. -shudder-


	3. The Wide Window

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything.

* * *

The Baudelaires were now being shipped off- I MEAN, taken to Josephine Anwhistle. Mr. Poe, getting lazy, didn't drive all the way there, but stuffed the orphans in a big box, and mailed them to Josephine, via speedy delivery. Once the box arrived on her doorstep, the children broke free. They stepped up to her door, and noticed half the house was sagging off the edge.

" Gravity's winning here" Klaus said, as they stepped inside and saw the woman known as Josephine. Her whitish hair was held up in a bun. After taking one look at her, Klaus announced something else.

" Gravity's affecting something else around here badly too" he said. Then, as usual, his pants fell down. He stooped down to pull his pants back up.

" I know we just got here but a hurricane is going to hit in a couple of days" Violet said. Josephine started blithering on and on about grammar. The orphans groaned.

" Oh, there are presents waiting for you in your room" Josephine said, and the children went off to their shared room.

In their room, Sunny found a board.

" Fultre!" she shrieked, meaning something along the lines of "Oh, goody! Something to beat Klaus with!". Klaus' present turned out to be a doll.

" OH MY GOD!! JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED!!" Klaus shouted with an excited squeal. Violet's gift was, you guessed it... unmentionable. After finding their gifts, the orphans and Josephine went grocery shopping. For when the hurricane would hit. Olaf bumped straight into Violet, but this time he wasn't dressed as a pimp. He was dressed like a normal person. Very shocking. But his playboy bunnies were still following him. As usual. Josephine screamed on sight of the playboy bunnies, because, like she was afraid of everything else, she was afraid of playboy bunnies. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind came up, and the hair on one of the playboy bunnies blew away completely. But just on that one, which was strange. Then, a butcher came running up carrying a butcher's knife, but dropped it, cutting off the hands of the now-bald playboy bunny, who screamed and ran away. Everyone just stared off in the direction the bunny ran off in, then Olaf shrugged.

" I can always find another" he said. Violet was unusually quiet. She wasn't thinking unmentionable thoughts, either. OK, she kinda was. Just not with her usual intensity. Klaus poked his sister on the arm.

" HAVE ME!!" Violet shrieked, lurching forward, wrapping her arms around Olaf's waist, knocking him over. Klaus, Sunny, Josephine, and the remaining bunnies all backed away, shocked at Violet's sudden outburst. Olaf was very surprised. Everyone else was very surprised. Except Violet, who kept muffledly shouting "have me!" into Olaf's waist. Klaus attempted to drag his sister off Olaf, but she wouldn't let go. So he gave up, and Josephine took Klaus and Sunny home, leaving Olaf to deal with Violet.

Hours later, Violet returned to the saggy house. Josephine was blabbering on about grammar, as she had been the whole time Violet was gone. Klaus was playing with his doll, while failingly trying to block out Josephine. Sunny was hitting Klaus with her board, and also failingly trying to block out Josephine. Violet sat down for five minutes, then she jumped up.

" I can take this grammar talk no longer!" Violet exclaimed. Klaus and Sunny both agreed, and knew quite the quick fix. They grabbed Josephine, dragged her to the library, then threw her out the window. The Baudelaires watched her fall into the lake.

" Well, that's done. Let's call Mr. Poe and get outta here" Violet said, and they did just that.

* * *

Ahahaha, I realized 2 things during the writing of this chapter: 1) in Chapter 1, when I put about the long, long, long.. argument, I used exactly 13 long's. One for each book. 2) I realized I replaced Olaf's theatre troupe with the playboy bunnies that are with him everywhere. XD


End file.
